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Siri? Yes, Tom.


Siri, are you there?  Yes, Tom, I'm here. 

That voice, slightly reminiscent of HAL’s haunting dialect (from 2001, A Space Odyssey), has the mystical, hollow timbre that we usually ascribe to an all-seeing, all-knowing, sometimes malevolent being.  Perhaps when Moses chatted with the burning bush, it sounded like Siri or, maybe, HAL.  Movies typically make God sound like James Earl Jones or Dennis Haysbert (the guy who does the Allstate commercials) but who knows?  On the new HBO series, The Newsroom, Maggie Jordan, a young, smart assistant producer, wants Michele Bachmann to tell the world what God sounded like when he (or she) told her to run for president – maybe God sounded to her like Siri, like James Earl Jones, or perhaps more like Cher or Sarah Palin?

As I connected my iPhone to my computer so the software could be updated, I saw an announcement of the projected release of the iPhone 5.  Here I am, already intimidated in the presence of Siri who lives inside my iPhone 4S.  It made me wonder why I would risk greater emotional angst by buying the newer version.  If I owned Apple stock (which I did when it was about $400/share cheaper than today), I’d keep buying each new version just to see if the trajectory of the stock could eclipse the price per share carried by Berkshire-Hathaway (now at about $128,000 per share.)  Otherwise, I pine for the simplicity of the old 3G – it never once spoke to me.

In any public place, eighty percent of the people under 40 are deeply focused on their smart phone device – texting, emailing, twittering, facebooking, and on rare occassions having a conversation by using the phone feature of the cell phone.  They do most of this by typing faster with their thumbs than a scrolling stock ticker.  I remember having to dedicate two semesters of high school to becoming proficient on a typewriter (this is that ancient device on which keyboards are based.)  Now, I watch legions of teens and twenty-somethings typing with their thumbs faster than the girl in our class who hammered out hundreds of words per minute.  Of course, this is not a fair comparison because, in our class, her rate was decreased for every misspelled word.  Today, your score is decreased for every word you can’t figure out a way to misspell.

I have an app.  On my iPhone, there is an app called Dragon Dictation.  All I have to do is talk to it and it types my message, my text or tweet.  I’d say it probably understands me about as often as Winnie does.  It does not talk to me like Siri.  It just listens to my mumbled, garbled speech and types something that has little or no punctuation and has more correctly spelled words than the average text message.  It’s gets me pretty close to being able to eliminate the need for typing – whether in the traditional way or with thumbs only.  As such apps are perfected every texter and tweeter will be seen in continuous conversation with their smart phones.  It makes me wonder if we’re going to talk to our phone, the phone types the message, sends it to another phone, and then the other phone reads it to the recipient who reverses the process… why wouldn’t we just call?  Heresy.  Must be a question asked by someone over 60.

Perhaps there is reason for hope with this technology.  Siri unquestionably knows more about reproductive biology than Todd Akin does.  Siri surely would not misspeak nor have “legitimate rape” as part of her stored language phrases.  I do wonder if Todd Akin’s Siri has the same information and artificial intelligence as in other iPhones.   Could there be a version of Siri that deletes access to all facts that don’t fit with its owner’s opinions regardless of their factual basis?  If so, do some of the iPhones come with artificial ignorance?  Maybe I should ask Siri…

As far as I know, Siri doesn’t have thumbs but she can type the message I speak better than I can thumb it.  But, I still sort of freeze up when she says, “yes, I'm here, Tom.”  But I’m committed to be modern as much as that is possible for an old, decrepit curmudgeon.  So, I try it.  I ask questions.  After a while, I knew her patience was wearing thin and only would handle a couple more:

Siri.  Yes, Tom.  (That silky voice had an edge to it.)

Siri, how do I learn to use all that you offer?

Tom, get in line now for the iPhone 5.

Siri, what does God’s voice sound like?

For the first time, Siri did not respond with any words – but the little microphone on the screen appeared to be smiling.

--td

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